peace

be still and know I am god

to be complete

once again I've realized how hard it is to work on yourself. to change from within and not only say you will. I'm not proud to admit it, but I'm not good at it. I can realize things and I can analyze things, but to truly change them is harder. all I ask is how? maybe it's easier than I think, but still it's so hard. to see outside yourself and to take control over your thoughts and actions. to rely on a friend and to make it work. it takes a lot of work to make it function. but less work to be perfect, because I've learnt that you can't be. so why do I try so hard to be it? still, though I try, I won't come any closer to it.

I'm willing to try to change. try to be a better person. try to make things work. my life work, as God intended it to. but I have no idea how. so I can only cry out to God and hope that he love me enough to take me as I am. help me with my life. because I really can't do it on my own. that's the truth.

there's only a truth to this.

with love.

small things who makes it worth it.

almost done know. or to be honest. I've got a lot left. a whole lot. sitting with my book in my knee. squint my eyes trying to see the complicated words better. reading the same line over and over again. close my eyes and open them again. tries one more time. listening to music. it's like a soft lullaby. making me sleepy. relaxed. dreamy. everything but sharp. need to focus. only the glasses on the tip of my nose are missing. studying. studying. studying.
think it's time to say goodnigth now. just go under the blanket and dissapere for a couple of hours. be alone. be with god. time's dissapering. don't know how. listening to melody gardot's somewhere over the rainbow. it's the small things who makes it worth it. texting with you. it's the small things who makes it worth it. close my eyes and feel god's presence just for a second. it's the small things who makes it all worth it.

a perfect place to trust

my book's finished. but it really made me think. a lot of thoughts how to find God and his ways for my life. because it's very easy to find things people tell you to believe or do but God himself. also that it's very easy to end up with a certain oppinion and won't dare to let go even though you know it doesn't make sense. to find god is very very hard. I've experienced it just a tiny bit but still it's very hard. it's also very confusing. you think you've find the right answer just to discover there's another part to it. you've got the conclution that god is one thing, and then he appears to be another. you think that you've walked down the right path, just to realize that you're lost. life is very hard. and yet so easy. complicated. I think man thinks too much. or at least I do. But I also think God made me like this. just need to focus on the right thoughts. and make my thoughts in to actions. one thing that become clearer to me while reading this book is that you really need to trust Jesus. and that you need to do that all the time, no matter where in life you are. and maybe it's just that easy. just that simple. just that clear. that you don't have to wrap everything up in needs, and deeds, and musts. focus on jesus. do as he does. trust his solutions. trust his ways. not get paniced trying to come up with your own.

also that you need to trust jesus on that there's a place that's better than wealth. better than success. better than what this world can offer. trust him that things are not that hard. that he can explain things to me. that I'm not on my own. that every situation I'm in, is a perfect place to trust Jesus in. simple as that. that I can rest and know that he's with me and got it all covered. that I'm not the one taking all the decitions. go first to make the way. He is. I just have to follow. seems so easy and yet I know it's so hard. because I want to see the whole plan. get the whole idea. know that everything will work out just as I planned. guess what. it doesn't. that's just facts. maybe I should let go of all the things I want to grab on to. all the things I need to control to get a hold on to god. maybe just focus on his love for me. and for the world. make it as simple as just climb up unto his knee. ask "what do I do now?". and then dare to follow him. trust him. feel. know. realize. climb back up again and feel safe. and then once again follow him. where ever he wants me to go with him. that's a very scary truth. maybe I will dare to believe it.

photo: Benjamin Svensson http://lbsfotovarberg.blogspot.com/2009_06_01_archive.html

quality time and small steps closer

this morning was just what I needed. didn't start school until lunch so I gave myself a loong sleep-in. later I went down stairs to make a cup of tea and two sandwiches of my mum's delicious bred and went back up to my bed. sat there in my pyjamas, listened to shawn mcdonald and read Adrian Plass. (start to become my favourite).

thought of something. that if you see yourself as someone who don't really have sin. then it's very hard to understand that you need to recieve God's grace. or just that you need it. sometimes I wonder if my life's just too good. that I've it just too comfortable. things that I worry about is not really that big. somethings are, but the main part's not. Maybe it's harder to follow God when your life already is ok. already goes ok. when it's easy to put God aside because your life already function without Him. I think I need to step out and take a look of my self and my life. maybe I need to take on harder challenges. take a bigger step forward. reach out for something more. just because you're longing for more of God. and only because that's the reason. because I could settle down. I could be satisfied. But I want more. And I'm starting to realize, very slow though, that I'm totally lost without God. that I as a human can't manage life without him. I'm starting to realize my own unimportance. feels weird to say that, because all the society tells you is that YOU are important. and don't get me wrong. you are. God loves you so deep and so high that you ever can imagine. only that you sometimes may not be as important as your mind tells you. also to trust God that you can rely on Him. and that's even harder. good though that God has a whole bunch of love, put aside just for me and my small and clumbsy attemps to learn who He is.

feeling a little better now..

okay, the tiredness is starting to go away. slowly but still. starting to get both of my feet back on ground and my eyes open with a smile on my face. hard to get there hard to stay there. luckely I have to do nothing in my own. yesterday I continued to read a book by Adrian Plass. he made me think. think of god. think of me. think of the combination of those two. made me analyze my life. made me recognize myself in his experiences. made me feel like I'm not on my own feeling stupid and lost and selfish and egocentered and foolish and happy in your own bubble. weird that a person you've never met can feel so like yourself. I laugh because it's like he's written about my life. or I laugh because he has already made all those stupid things and thought they where the best things because he's in his bubble. and now I think the same. well, hard to explain but maby you will get some good out of it. ^^

got some good resting time yesterday. made a cup of tea, a big one in my "en kopp må bra"- (one cup feel good-) cup and listened to shawn mcdonald. just laying down on my bed with my purple plush-dress on and a nice blanket around your feet. Vilma was accompany me and we just sat there, or layed there. thinking. breathing. resting. golden moment. a pause. well needed. to get back on your feet. get yourself together. breathe.resting. take a pause. I start to feel a little bit better now.

awsome.godsome

was at the kirk franklin concert at Globen sthlm yesterday night. well what can I say. splendid.wonderful.awsome.GODsome. ole borud. did good. samuel ljungblahd even better. really my respect for that man.. he can sing. just facts. and then kirk and his guys and gals. it was great, really great. music wise. but the feeling when you can stand in Globen, together wiht thousands of people and one of the worlds most famous gospel musicians and WORSHIP truly from your heart..
well, it was a great experience and I really admire everyone for their talent and how they give it to god. just hope I can do the same..

should have..

..gone to bed a lot later. should have eaten some food before shower and should have showered before even turning on the computer. lot of things I should have done. but still. tomorrow's last day of the week. besides saturday and sunday ofc. :) but still. feels good to have put another week behind you. that you're almost back on track. that you've almost found a rutine again. that I'm not too tired and up side down anymore. that I start to get things under control. in a good way. I'm fine. feels good to know. I only misses you a bit. a small and tiny but very big bit. love

sweet memories

sometimes I do wanna go back. it's this small feeling deep down in my stomach that you know you miss that wonderful time or place. the feeling of a place beyond reality or at least your own. it's foreign. exciting. new. different. an experience you don't know if you will have again. a memorie well keept in you heart.




photo by: me

time to grow up

think there is a lot of things that needs to get the label "done" on it. a lot of things that needs a check mark at the end. when you get out of organize, you need to fix your office again. your mental office. your headquarter. your schedule. your brain. time to take responsibility for your everyday life. time to start. not to push ahead. I'm very good at that. time to grow up. to realize that things don't happen on their own. you need to fix them. organize them. it's just that I've tried to do that so many times. and I've manage to do it, for a while. then it all just goes around and it begins again. when will you actually succeed?! very common question I believe. to write post-its. to colour tasks with different colours. to open your calendar again. dust it off and put it in your bag. to brush the dust off your clothes and get the hair out of your hair. to stretch up and be tall and step over the big big pile of paper, homework, needs. know that you've just have to deal with it. and not say "tomorrow". time to grow up a little bit more.

time difference?

well this week a lot of things have happened. good and bad. I'm a little bit upside down and I can't really decide whether how I feel about everything. well, maybe it's just life. one thing I do have experienced this week is how hard it is to walk with god. to live with him. to accept that you don't understand everything and that you just can't get your mind around him. control who he is. and really I am just like a little ant or even less compare to him. I'm kind of nothing. ouch that's hard to hear. and also he is really great and I'm not that important as I think. ouch, that's also hard to hear. so we've got the conclutions that we are nothing and very less important- because we are nothing. well, good to go! don't you get really exited!? I'm kind of ironic here if you didn't noticed. but in my life as a christian I need to know that I'm not as good as I think. need to step down for my peidestal. need to step down from my high horses. need to get that God's bigger than me. also I've realised that I am afraid. afraid of what, you might think. you thought you where greater than god, or at least very big. well I've never thought that I had this fear of god. this fear of what he might do if I'm not perfect. I've always thought I had dealt with this long time ago. I know you don't have to be perfect! turned out that I just knew that in my head and not in my heart. to really know and understand that god is a loving and caring god was harder than I thought. and all those thoughts was revealing. they revealed how little I've come in my relationship with god. how little I've come in my life with him. ouch, that aint nice to see either. I've a lot to work on.

anyhow. today at church Magnus preached about time. God's view on time to be exact. how to live life with time. do you make the right priorities? also that everything in life has it's time. I quote Ecclesiastes 3 (swe. predikaren):

A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

well think of this for a moment or two. I know I need to and will.
and keep in my heart that god loves me more than I can get my small ant mind around.