fyndigt

julen är nästan över då man nu mera ska säga "god fortsättning" som niclas fint informerade oss om idag. att det är söndag får jag fundera mycket på innan jag förstår att det faktiskt är denna veckodag just idag. man blir lite dagvild då man har julafton mitt i veckan och går i kyrkan på en fredag. kanske man också får bestämma själv vilken dag som passar bäst och sedan låtsas att det är just den dagen. för är inte det lite av vad ledighet är? inte behöva rätta sig efter någons schema utan bara leva helt i en bubbla av roliga och mysiga saker och lugn. idag har det varit gudstjänst och när vi satte oss ner i bänken kändes det verkligen som om det var nästan helt tomt. en liten trogen skara hade slutit upp i elsborgskyrkan denna dag och vi undrade nästan om vi verkligen behövde en ny kyrka. fast väldigt mysigt var det med ljus och enkel lovsång. att göra gud till en del av sin vardag och inte bara leva på upplevelser var temat och det kändes som om det behövdes i mitt liv. kunna få lite uppmuntran om att man är på rätt väg då man sömnigt öppnar bibeln varje kväll. nog för att det är lite drygt ibland så känner jag att det gör väldigt mycket. och kämpar man lite från sitt eget håll så kämpar gud dubbelt från sitt håll. det är något man får försöka att hålla fast vid då det känns som om man just krockat med en cementvägg av motstånd. kanske det inte blev ett så fyndigt inlägg som jag hade tänkt mer än att jag fått hitta lite fina varor på mellandagsrean idag. men dessa värdsliga ting är väl inget att skryta med bestämde sig bror och jag om igår. vi pulsade i snön bort till jonas och pratade om hur bra vi egentligen har det i vår familj, vårt land våran värld. att man till och med kan köpa dubbelt upp av vad man redan har.. eller femdubbelt upp om man frågar mig. har köpt ytterligare ett par skor. dessa dock mer rejäla... ej fina med klack som man använder bara någon gång. dessa liknar mer ett par kängor.. västvärldens kängor. fyndigt va?

dagen före dopparedan

tänk att det redan är den 23. känns som en stor klyscha att hela tiden säga att tiden går fort men vad gör man då klycshan upptäcks vara verklighet. julafton. redan?
hemma står tiden ibland still känns det som. jag är inne i min egna förkylda bubbla. men lite julstök har man hunnit med. fast det är ändå mycket kvar. jag påminns ständigt om alla julkort jag inte har hunnit skicka. och jag som skulle komma ihåg att skicka dem iaf i år. en hel resa över atlanten ska dem, undra om de hinner dit innan vintern är slut? jag måste säga att jag verkligen är sämst på vykort. åter och åter igen upptäcker jag detta då jag misslyckas med att fylla i dessa små rader och lägga dem på postlådan. det är där min nostalgiska vilja krockar med min glömska sida. idag sitter jag i raggsockor och nålar på min kjol. jag har bestämt mig för att vara lite huslig och lägga upp den kjolen som jag tänkte ha på julafton. senare idag ska vi baka lite och ta in granen. jag ska också få min första julklapp, spännande! sedan blir det paketinslagning, tomtar, julmusik och allmänt en mysig och varm stämning i vårat lilla hus. förväntan byggs upp inför morgondagen och när man lägger sig för att sova kan man bara inte förstå att den kommit så snart.
god jul

krasch

årligen denna tid är det inte bara dags för julstök, julmys och julstämning. det är också dags för den väntade, ack så icke eftertraktade, oundvikliga, horribla kraschen. när förkylningen kommer. när huvudvärken sätter in. då tårarna inte behöver någon ursäkt för att komma förbi. när allting rämnar för några minuter, några dagar. när all prestation och stress måste bearbetas. innan vilan lägger sig till ro. innan det har gått upp för en att man inte behöver orka längre.

nu ska jag lägga mig under täcket ta lite nässpray och dricka te samtidigt som jag ska dela mina bekymmer med Toula i "mitt stora feta grekiska bröllop"... jag behöver verkligen updatera min filmhylla.. det blir snart pinsamt. anyway, klapparna undangömda. jag och julia hade verkligen den mysigaste dagen. det ska jag leva på länge länge. särsilt nu.
godnatt alla små nissar
(ja, varför inte göra som alla andra låta julen vara det hysteriskt genomgående temat??)

julstämning

äntligen jullov!! som jag har väntat och längtat. klar. färdig. lov. skönt att bara vara. sova. vila. umgås. känns som om spänningshuvudvärken helt enkelt släppte även om näsan rinner. idag blir det film med fritids på M. sen hem till kajsa och fika med henne och julia. mysigt. sen us avslutning hos rodheims. mysigt. känner att just nu har jag inte så mycket mer att säga än att jag är ledig!! :)

kommer nog ett mer fundersamt och tänkande inlägg allt eftersom..
hej svejs!

liten tomte hade snuva

en dag kvar. skönt. bara släppa skolan för ett tag. ta nya tag och sedan kämpa upp betygen lite till. idag har både varit jobbig och vilande. tror jag börjar bli riktigt förkyld och lite feber trött. men det är väl bara att vänta såhär vid terminensslut och man slappnar av. i morgon är det julavslutning och tydligen ska jag sjunga. spontant.

känner både förväntan men också lite stress över allt julfixande. alla julklappar måste inhandlas. julkort göras och rummet pyntas. baka hade jag också velat hinna med. men kanske att det bara får infinna sig ett lugn och en liten liten julstämning trots att allt inte hinns med. trots att allt inte blir perfekt. det blir ju mysigt ändå. sen har jag ju faktiskt jullov snart.

på momangen!

ge mig bara jullov nu. jag orkar inte mer. måste man dra ut på det? måste man kämpa in i det sista? kan jag inte bara få sova?..snart tror jag att jag ger upp. bara två dagar till.
godnatt.

måndag så orginellt

sitter i skolan och det känns som om jag aldrig har varit uppe så här tidigt. klockan är 09.46. är seg i hela kroppen och känns som om hjärnan består av bulldeg. sådär tung och seg. hoppas dock att denna dag ändå blir bra. finns en liten förväntan. dagen får ha en lugn takt. förhoppningsvis. få bort lite skolarbete. börja varva ner. kämpa lite till. bara en vecka kvar. bara en "måndag" kvar. på länge. länge. länge. men ändå känns det inte lika tungt som vanligt. känns ganska bra. det är iaf lite snö ute.

pappa panov

ja, då var det äntligen klart. phew. oj. suck. skönt. stolthet. fatta vad duktiga alla är. pyser nog över lite av stolthet för mina fina dansare. känner mig lite som en hönsmamma som står och vaggar lite överbeskyddande. så tappra. jag var färdig att åka hem långt tidigare än dem. inte förvånande egentligen. nuså är jag iaf hemma. har fikat lite. gott. har hunnit titta lite på tv och skickat in min engelska text. borde pluggat fek men känner att det gör jag bra i morgon. nu ska jag bums sätta på mig pyjamasen och sova. skönt.

en hel vecka kvar. känns som en oändlighet. en evighet. en backe utan slut. tur att det finns människor som agerar skidlift då jag ej har någon valla. en sån där varm och skön sittlift som bara drar en upp. utan att man ens behöver frysa. denna vecka sätter jag allt mitt hopp till er. det kommer att behövas. håller på att läsa en bok kallad "att söka äktheten" av Bill Hybels. trodde den skulle vara riktigt klyschig men den är faktiskt väldigt tänkvärd. johanna, jag har en massa saker att prata med dig om över en kopp te. vill bara kunna slänga mig på cykeln och skynda hem till dig och din soffa. bara så att du vet! och du, jag förlåter dig för att du handlade på lidl... men bara för att jesus säger att man ska förlåta.

nu ska jag få ändan ur stolen och faktiskt göra som jag lär. borsta tänderna och krypa ner under mina fyra filtar. läsa lite bibel och hybels. tänka. be. fundera. finurligt tänka. samla kraft. försvinna bort i en underbar sömn. härligt.
godnatt!

ledig.lördag

idag är första lördagen på nästan ett halvår som jag faktiskt är ledig. faktiskt inte har någonting planerat. faktiskt kan bara vara hemma. känns skönt. idag ska det städas och julfejas. få fint. få rent. sen kanske jag hinner åka ner på stan och köpa mina fina skor. hittade ett par väldigt snygga grå stövletter för endast (!)
150 kr på deichmansko..ja lite tysk vänlig har jag nog i dagarna blivit även om jag fortfarande inte sätter min fot inne på lidl. men vilket kap. nu hoppas jag bara att de fina klackarna är promenadvänliga. 10 cm lite drygt kan bli en utmaning. men som julia så fint påpekade blir jag ju nästan längre än min mamma. mission completed.

sitter här nyduschad och väntar på att teet ska koka upp. äta en lugn frukost utan stress och sen sätta på lite härlig musik. städandet kan börja. tror jag blivit en riktig städtant. tycker det är ganska avkopplande.. men de senaste dagarna har jag nog sakt det för ofta här på bloggen. jag har förövrigt fått en päls. en som jag ska sy om och fixa till en kort jacka. vet inte riktigt hur omöjligt detta projekt kommer att bli men det ska bli roligt att försöka. jag har nog blivit lite rysk också... sen gäller det bara att våga använda den. ja, jag har bestämt mig för att bli modig. börja använda smycken trots att jag är rädd för att det ska bli för pråligt. våga använda klackar trots att alla hör när jag promenerar. våga använda en päls och riskera att bli stämplad som fånig i vår lilla stad. våga prova utan att vara rädd. våga leka med sin stil. våga ta steget och veta att mina jeans och converse alltid finns där och väntar på mig. det är stort detta förstår ni.

nu ska jag ha en mysfrukost alldeles ensam. härligt.
ikväll kommer du hem.

torsdag, redan?

jag känner jag börjar bli lite dålig på denna svenska version då jag åter och åter igen faller till baka in i engelskan. kanske också för att vi hade "book-talk" tidigare i morse och dagen började med språket man talar i landet Beckham. det regnar idag, kanske även det en engelsk influens? inte roligt. det är ju faktiskt december! hallå? är det bara jag som undrar? sverige har blivit mesigt även på väder fronten. om de alls har en front.. idag är det fullt plugg på schemat. kanske för att jag smet iväg och kollade på twilight två, jag man får säga "två", igår. den var faktiskt bättre än förväntat måste även jag erkänna. även om det tar emot att säga att denna film, så hysteriskt älskad av alla tjejer, tilltalar även mig den mindre hysteriska flickan. kanske ligger det till grund att jag tycks ha blivit vaccinerad mot edward cullen? fast nog är han trevligare än svininfluensan. det förstår även jag.

längtar efter att bara få sitta i gungstolen med en kopp te och titta på brottskod med syster. vi som numera är roomies träffas aldrig. men det blir definitivt en städ-date på lördag. min fina garderob ligger nu mera i en abstrakt hög på mitt golv. inte ens dammråttorna syns. skönt att få pyssla lite innan jul. känna hur det luktar rent. tända ljus och inte vara rädd för att alla papper på byrån ska brinna upp. jullov? knappt en vecka kvar. tänk att allting har gått så fort. ja, känner mig ibland som mormor själv. men det är ganska trevligt. pyssla och dona, äta pepparkakor och se fram emot jul, sitta i gungstolen och fundera.
jag saknar dig.

take california

hittade jazzen på youtube! tänk vad tekniskt allt har blivit...



men riktigt kul att faktiskt få se sig själv lite utifrån ett annat perspektiv. och det ser ju faktistk riktigt bra ut :)

life on demand

har ofta tänkt att det skulle vara skönt med en fjärrkontroll så att man skulle kunna pausa, stoppa, spola och trycka på play igen när helst man skulle önska att livet gick saktare, fortare eller då man helt enkelt var nöjd även kunna spara och uppleva just den delen av livet igen. kanske också kunna pausa vissa saker för att kunna hinna med det senare då man har tid. tänk om man också i förväg kunde se efter vad som skulle hända senare och välja vad man själv vill vara med om. typ som en form av tidsmaskin, eller varför inte så enkelt som en fjärrkontroll? eller kanske en box där all information samlas och du kan välja hur, var och när? ibland låter detta toppen. konstigt nog. bekvämt. suveränt. instängt. tänk om allting skulle gå precis helt enligt din planering. din "livs-tablå". vet inte hur värdefullt det skulle vara i slutet. livet är ju ändå format av verkligheten. skulle jag vilja ha det på ett annat sätt?

idag känns det ändå som om jag fått trycka på paus för ett tag. andas. sova. plugga ikapp lite, även om jag just nu sitter och bloggar.. stanna upp. tänka efter. pausa. längtar efter att få julstöka, julpyssla och julfixa. tända ännu fler ljus. äta pepparkakor. städa. trycka in små nejlikor i en stor knubbig apelsin och knyta ett rött band om. gå på julmarknad och fundera ut små presenter. få pengarna att räcka till allt och göra knäck. glömma allt runt omkring som stör och bara stänga in mig i det guldskimrande röda töcken som julen kan ge. få en puss under misteln. om jag kunde spara och pausa detta. skulle det då vara lika värdefullt varje år? skulle det då vara som en välkommen paus i livet eller skulle det bli för vardagligt? skulle det bli ett minne som man skulle ta fram om och om igen? eller skulle man då glömma att skapa nya minnen?

fame!

helgen är över och det är också årets danstermin. känns alltid konstigt att bara gå hem efter föreställningen, tvätta bort sminket och veta att det är slut även för denna gång. tur att det finns en vårtermin att se fram emot och därför också kunna slappna av och vila under jullovet. lite extra ledsamt denna gång då både C och V slutar. men i övrigt tror jag denna uppvisning tom var bättre än förra året. känner att den lyriska glädjen sitter kvar ifrån igår, långt in bakom stelhet och trötthet finns den där och värmer. nu är det bara skolan att av klara innan det blir jullov på riktigt. och så pappa panov. ja, schemat är inte slut än men man känner att kroppen börjar bli. bara att kämpa lite till. men det värmer fortfarande i hjärtat.

fredag. så snart, så härligt, så besvärligt?

funderat på det här med att bli vuxen. är det något man desperat försöker att inte bli eller desperat försöker att bli? insåg idag då jag tyckte det var avkopplande att städa att jag på något sätt, att någon del av mig närmar sig branten med en ryslig fart. men är det positivt eller negativt? borde man placera sig någonstans eller är det ok att vattna blommorna varje vecka och tycka kaffe och småkakor är mysigt? att läsa tidningen och förfäras över världen, att tycka mormor är det bästa sällskapet som finns? att vilja önska sig en servis i vitt porslin med en exklusiv och skör guldkant, är man vuxen för att man vill ha det i julklapp? ibland undrar jag varför man kan få panik över att få panik över att bli vuxen? eller kanske inse att det inte är något man helt plötsligt befinner sig vara. kanske är det bara ett begrepp? eller kanske att jag inte behöver oroa mig för det. för vuxen är väl något man är på något sätt ändå. eller i alla fall kommer att bli. precis som att man kommer befinna sig i facket gammal. hmm.. det tål att tänkas på.

igår hade min lilla skola filmfestival. vi såg på en film som heter "videocrazy". först trodde jag, så otroligt finurlig som jag är, att det handlade om en film som blivit galen. men på ett sätt kanske man skulle kunna säga att det också var det. filmen handlade om hur media styr italien och hur det har gått från en demokrati till en videokrati. där "video" styr samhället. läskigt att se hur ett bekräftelse behov faktiskt kan växa till ens identitet och till att bli meningen med ens liv. och då tänkte jag förfärat "vi lever ju ändå på 2000-talet!!?" och det är väl just det vi gör. bara konstigt att det som är pålåtsas plötsligt blivit verklighet. att medias lögn blivit sanning. jag trodde allt var fantasi.

idag är dagen före dagen D. Dansgalan. har ont och är stel efter veckans power och hektiska frenetiska träningar. sen gör det ju också ont att stretcha. det förklarar nog också varför jag är så stel idag. i alla fall så är bodyn fixad. leggingsen avklippta till fina korta hotpants och det svarta linnet i säkert förvar. pappas skogshuggarskjorta, som faktiskt varit i skogen, lagd på plats och de fina rosa och gröna conversen som förevigt lever med mig ligger i väskan. jag tror att jag kommer ha kläder för en hel vecka med. men vad gör man inte? men kul ska det bli. dessutom paxat pizzan så att jag och lillebror ska bli mätta. pizza är också en utmärkt muta.
nu dags att göra bort lite plugg innan jag ska ha en mysig fika eftermiddag med julia och kajsa. oj, så längesen jag träffade dem. ska bli kul att få prata igenom allt som händer i våra liv över en varm och nostalgisk kopp te.

okay, då ska vi se

fortsätter den absoluta trenden med att skriva på mitt modersmål och känner hur ironin flödar lättare på detta språket. måste dock säga att bloggen blivit rosa. är inte helt nöjd men kanske att man inte ska vara så otroligt perfektionistisk när det gäller en liten sida på ett stort internet som ändå inte har något egentligt värde för mitt reella liv. eller?

jag har just kommit hem ifrån en utmattande, roligt, energigivande, muskelstrypande och härlig träning. sista träningen med catrin och jag kommer verkligen sakna henne. hon har verkligen hjälpt mig att utvecklas mycket och det är synd att inte få dansa för henne längre. så nu vill jag bara att dansen ska sitta på uppvisningen för att kunna göra ett bra avslut. känns bra iaf att dansen är riktigt bra och att det är en väldigt rolig koreografi att göra. nu ska jag bara jobba lite på mitt "mystiska-face"... är nog bättre på den hysteriskt glada versionen vi ska ha i final nummret som förövrigt kommer dansas till fame låten. *yey* :D fast i typ väldigt upp pitchat disco tema... ^^

sitter och förgås av hunger då jag inte åt någon stor middag och då det doftar underbart gott av kladdkaka ifrån köket. ska jag ta min 5:te kopp te för dagen eller ska jag bara äta utan te? intelligent fråga men viktig för en teälskare som jag. insett dock att jag dricker hejdlöst mkt te. hmm.. önskar mig iaf två nya fina mönstrade tekoppar i julklapp :)

hejhopp, nu ska denna svenska tös gå och fixa sig något att äta.
känns dock lite konstigt att skriva på svenska. jag menar till och med jag förstår ju allt... haha. även om formuleringarna kanske är värre nu..
godnatt.

vi vänder på bladet

jag har bestämt mig för att jag kan göra vad jag vill av min blogg. den är ju ändå till mest för mig själv. så därför har jag bestämt mig för att jag får skriva på svenska. och inte behöver jag ha dåligt samvete för det. konstigt nog har jag det lite. det känns som om jag ger upp. är lat. inte orkar. är slö. fast det egentligen handlar om att jag faktiskt vill skriva på mitt språk nu. för att det är enklare. för att livet är svårt att beskriva. för att jag inte orkar. är jag verkligen lat då?

det finns så mkt som man skulle vilja göra. i morse vaknade jag och faktiskt kände mig lite kreativ. den pigga, energiska känslan höll i sig, i tro det eller ej, några timmar men nu tror jag den har försvunnit. blir mest trött av allt som ska göras och ensamheten som smyger sig på. att ha sina bästa vänner långt har ifrån är inte lätt när man inte känner sig så stor. plötsligt finns det så mkt att tänka på. att fundera kring. att ta beslut om. längtar efter att få vara liten igen. att få krypa upp i din famn och veta att du fixar saker åt mig. att jag bara behöver vara liten och söt så att du kan ta hand om mig. men vi växer upp. vi ska bli stora. klara oss själva. och många gånger vill jag det. men nu känns det för stort. just denna minut. kanske om jag blundar och börjar om. kanske att det känns lättare då.

peace

be still and know I am god

to be complete

once again I've realized how hard it is to work on yourself. to change from within and not only say you will. I'm not proud to admit it, but I'm not good at it. I can realize things and I can analyze things, but to truly change them is harder. all I ask is how? maybe it's easier than I think, but still it's so hard. to see outside yourself and to take control over your thoughts and actions. to rely on a friend and to make it work. it takes a lot of work to make it function. but less work to be perfect, because I've learnt that you can't be. so why do I try so hard to be it? still, though I try, I won't come any closer to it.

I'm willing to try to change. try to be a better person. try to make things work. my life work, as God intended it to. but I have no idea how. so I can only cry out to God and hope that he love me enough to take me as I am. help me with my life. because I really can't do it on my own. that's the truth.

there's only a truth to this.

with love.

small things who makes it worth it.

almost done know. or to be honest. I've got a lot left. a whole lot. sitting with my book in my knee. squint my eyes trying to see the complicated words better. reading the same line over and over again. close my eyes and open them again. tries one more time. listening to music. it's like a soft lullaby. making me sleepy. relaxed. dreamy. everything but sharp. need to focus. only the glasses on the tip of my nose are missing. studying. studying. studying.
think it's time to say goodnigth now. just go under the blanket and dissapere for a couple of hours. be alone. be with god. time's dissapering. don't know how. listening to melody gardot's somewhere over the rainbow. it's the small things who makes it worth it. texting with you. it's the small things who makes it worth it. close my eyes and feel god's presence just for a second. it's the small things who makes it all worth it.

a perfect place to trust

my book's finished. but it really made me think. a lot of thoughts how to find God and his ways for my life. because it's very easy to find things people tell you to believe or do but God himself. also that it's very easy to end up with a certain oppinion and won't dare to let go even though you know it doesn't make sense. to find god is very very hard. I've experienced it just a tiny bit but still it's very hard. it's also very confusing. you think you've find the right answer just to discover there's another part to it. you've got the conclution that god is one thing, and then he appears to be another. you think that you've walked down the right path, just to realize that you're lost. life is very hard. and yet so easy. complicated. I think man thinks too much. or at least I do. But I also think God made me like this. just need to focus on the right thoughts. and make my thoughts in to actions. one thing that become clearer to me while reading this book is that you really need to trust Jesus. and that you need to do that all the time, no matter where in life you are. and maybe it's just that easy. just that simple. just that clear. that you don't have to wrap everything up in needs, and deeds, and musts. focus on jesus. do as he does. trust his solutions. trust his ways. not get paniced trying to come up with your own.

also that you need to trust jesus on that there's a place that's better than wealth. better than success. better than what this world can offer. trust him that things are not that hard. that he can explain things to me. that I'm not on my own. that every situation I'm in, is a perfect place to trust Jesus in. simple as that. that I can rest and know that he's with me and got it all covered. that I'm not the one taking all the decitions. go first to make the way. He is. I just have to follow. seems so easy and yet I know it's so hard. because I want to see the whole plan. get the whole idea. know that everything will work out just as I planned. guess what. it doesn't. that's just facts. maybe I should let go of all the things I want to grab on to. all the things I need to control to get a hold on to god. maybe just focus on his love for me. and for the world. make it as simple as just climb up unto his knee. ask "what do I do now?". and then dare to follow him. trust him. feel. know. realize. climb back up again and feel safe. and then once again follow him. where ever he wants me to go with him. that's a very scary truth. maybe I will dare to believe it.

photo: Benjamin Svensson http://lbsfotovarberg.blogspot.com/2009_06_01_archive.html

quality time and small steps closer

this morning was just what I needed. didn't start school until lunch so I gave myself a loong sleep-in. later I went down stairs to make a cup of tea and two sandwiches of my mum's delicious bred and went back up to my bed. sat there in my pyjamas, listened to shawn mcdonald and read Adrian Plass. (start to become my favourite).

thought of something. that if you see yourself as someone who don't really have sin. then it's very hard to understand that you need to recieve God's grace. or just that you need it. sometimes I wonder if my life's just too good. that I've it just too comfortable. things that I worry about is not really that big. somethings are, but the main part's not. Maybe it's harder to follow God when your life already is ok. already goes ok. when it's easy to put God aside because your life already function without Him. I think I need to step out and take a look of my self and my life. maybe I need to take on harder challenges. take a bigger step forward. reach out for something more. just because you're longing for more of God. and only because that's the reason. because I could settle down. I could be satisfied. But I want more. And I'm starting to realize, very slow though, that I'm totally lost without God. that I as a human can't manage life without him. I'm starting to realize my own unimportance. feels weird to say that, because all the society tells you is that YOU are important. and don't get me wrong. you are. God loves you so deep and so high that you ever can imagine. only that you sometimes may not be as important as your mind tells you. also to trust God that you can rely on Him. and that's even harder. good though that God has a whole bunch of love, put aside just for me and my small and clumbsy attemps to learn who He is.

feeling a little better now..

okay, the tiredness is starting to go away. slowly but still. starting to get both of my feet back on ground and my eyes open with a smile on my face. hard to get there hard to stay there. luckely I have to do nothing in my own. yesterday I continued to read a book by Adrian Plass. he made me think. think of god. think of me. think of the combination of those two. made me analyze my life. made me recognize myself in his experiences. made me feel like I'm not on my own feeling stupid and lost and selfish and egocentered and foolish and happy in your own bubble. weird that a person you've never met can feel so like yourself. I laugh because it's like he's written about my life. or I laugh because he has already made all those stupid things and thought they where the best things because he's in his bubble. and now I think the same. well, hard to explain but maby you will get some good out of it. ^^

got some good resting time yesterday. made a cup of tea, a big one in my "en kopp må bra"- (one cup feel good-) cup and listened to shawn mcdonald. just laying down on my bed with my purple plush-dress on and a nice blanket around your feet. Vilma was accompany me and we just sat there, or layed there. thinking. breathing. resting. golden moment. a pause. well needed. to get back on your feet. get yourself together. breathe.resting. take a pause. I start to feel a little bit better now.

awsome.godsome

was at the kirk franklin concert at Globen sthlm yesterday night. well what can I say. splendid.wonderful.awsome.GODsome. ole borud. did good. samuel ljungblahd even better. really my respect for that man.. he can sing. just facts. and then kirk and his guys and gals. it was great, really great. music wise. but the feeling when you can stand in Globen, together wiht thousands of people and one of the worlds most famous gospel musicians and WORSHIP truly from your heart..
well, it was a great experience and I really admire everyone for their talent and how they give it to god. just hope I can do the same..

should have..

..gone to bed a lot later. should have eaten some food before shower and should have showered before even turning on the computer. lot of things I should have done. but still. tomorrow's last day of the week. besides saturday and sunday ofc. :) but still. feels good to have put another week behind you. that you're almost back on track. that you've almost found a rutine again. that I'm not too tired and up side down anymore. that I start to get things under control. in a good way. I'm fine. feels good to know. I only misses you a bit. a small and tiny but very big bit. love

sweet memories

sometimes I do wanna go back. it's this small feeling deep down in my stomach that you know you miss that wonderful time or place. the feeling of a place beyond reality or at least your own. it's foreign. exciting. new. different. an experience you don't know if you will have again. a memorie well keept in you heart.




photo by: me

time to grow up

think there is a lot of things that needs to get the label "done" on it. a lot of things that needs a check mark at the end. when you get out of organize, you need to fix your office again. your mental office. your headquarter. your schedule. your brain. time to take responsibility for your everyday life. time to start. not to push ahead. I'm very good at that. time to grow up. to realize that things don't happen on their own. you need to fix them. organize them. it's just that I've tried to do that so many times. and I've manage to do it, for a while. then it all just goes around and it begins again. when will you actually succeed?! very common question I believe. to write post-its. to colour tasks with different colours. to open your calendar again. dust it off and put it in your bag. to brush the dust off your clothes and get the hair out of your hair. to stretch up and be tall and step over the big big pile of paper, homework, needs. know that you've just have to deal with it. and not say "tomorrow". time to grow up a little bit more.

time difference?

well this week a lot of things have happened. good and bad. I'm a little bit upside down and I can't really decide whether how I feel about everything. well, maybe it's just life. one thing I do have experienced this week is how hard it is to walk with god. to live with him. to accept that you don't understand everything and that you just can't get your mind around him. control who he is. and really I am just like a little ant or even less compare to him. I'm kind of nothing. ouch that's hard to hear. and also he is really great and I'm not that important as I think. ouch, that's also hard to hear. so we've got the conclutions that we are nothing and very less important- because we are nothing. well, good to go! don't you get really exited!? I'm kind of ironic here if you didn't noticed. but in my life as a christian I need to know that I'm not as good as I think. need to step down for my peidestal. need to step down from my high horses. need to get that God's bigger than me. also I've realised that I am afraid. afraid of what, you might think. you thought you where greater than god, or at least very big. well I've never thought that I had this fear of god. this fear of what he might do if I'm not perfect. I've always thought I had dealt with this long time ago. I know you don't have to be perfect! turned out that I just knew that in my head and not in my heart. to really know and understand that god is a loving and caring god was harder than I thought. and all those thoughts was revealing. they revealed how little I've come in my relationship with god. how little I've come in my life with him. ouch, that aint nice to see either. I've a lot to work on.

anyhow. today at church Magnus preached about time. God's view on time to be exact. how to live life with time. do you make the right priorities? also that everything in life has it's time. I quote Ecclesiastes 3 (swe. predikaren):

A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

well think of this for a moment or two. I know I need to and will.
and keep in my heart that god loves me more than I can get my small ant mind around.

update only for you

I'm still alive! with love :)

ps. better update's coming soon.

when life doesn't come your way

my deepest wish, my deepest request. my thoughts that are the same as my heart.
"You are the only one, You are the one that I desire. You are the only one my King"
but why is it so hard to live by. to follow, to do? if it's your highest and deepest desire, how come you can't make it real? come through with it. put it in to work. to actions. to focus. to live by the spirit and his command. his heart.

In my self I'm no one.
On my own I can do nothing.

wednesday

this morning I was brought out of my very comfy and deep sleep by my mother. All I remember is that I asked her what day it was. it was wednesday. well, what do you do when you hardly wake up in the mornings and you're completly out of focus?
found a song that kind of describes that, in life. the first lines is:

"My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken"

"I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem, To be the ones that bring me home"

"Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do. Cause I’ve been tryin’
to find my way,I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation. I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You"

well, I think this lyric will speak for me today. just moved my heart. like it should have been my thoughts.

"I don’t know where I can turn. Tell me when will I learn. Won’t You show me where I need to go. Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home"

I've got nothing without you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEn74zP1glQ

aprés le rêve

after the weekend feels like the week will be very soft, easy and calm. know it won't be but still. though it feels good. I'm happy. something that not has come around much lately. you know the good feeling in you stomach. maybe it's because it's october break soon. or because I've got inspired again. or because things are getting in control again. and J's coming home soon too. I can be happy just for that. well, seems like that heavy feeling I've been carrying around's going away. or just that I've seen a glimps of God's glory in other peoples lives this weekend. keeps me wanting to know him better. get closer. get more. get inspired. get hold on to god. I'm ready to spread my wings. close my eyes. feel his precense and fly. I know he will lift me. I know my wings will bear. because he has given me them. close my eyes. rest. be ready for tomorrow. to inspire others like i've been inspired. let it be shown in my life. your love. your energy. your sparkle and joy. you. and when I wake up tomorrow I know that you have a whole day ready for me. all I have to do is come with you.

"live my dream with open eyes."

that's life with God. I'm in.

short and true

for a minute or so I thought that I should do a major post with a lot of points to get to and give you. but, I recieved something instead.

"Be still and know I am God"

oh, I need it.
thank you.

simple?

yesterday I had a moment. I'm sure you've had one too. you're lying in bed looking up the ceiling and there you have it. a thought. well, it just became clear to me. simple as it is. why complicate it?

If god is the only one who knows where you are heading and the only one who knows the way to get there, you simply follow his directions.

like, if you are lost and you pull over and ask a totally stranger directions to get to your goal, you say thank you and trust that this stranger knows the way. you don't say "yeah right, as you would know!?". now you thank that person for being kind enough to help you in a situation when you where totally lost. so what I would like to say to you and especially myself is that obedience shouldn't be that hard. I mean if I put myself in a situation where I must trust in God and where I'm totally dependent on him the most natural would be to do as he says. Because I do believe that he knows better than me, even though it's really hard to say that and really mean it... ^^

well, the hard part is that I, most of the times, don't say "ok God thanks for helping me. I know your way's best". instead I cross my arms and say with an annoying voice "Yeah right, as you should know?!". once again I need to sacrify a bit of my ego. put myself aside and realize that I do need to depend on God because in myself I'm nothing. but that sentence isn't best friend with my pride.
today's my prayer- please let me put myself aside because I know your way's the way. because you love me.

thursday

sitting here in my purple plush-dress. have my warm knitted socks on and still, my hair is wet from the shower. going to get my big purple teacup and fill it with some warm tea. trying to capture a thought. but when I close my eyes I can't find it. miss you.

I almost smiled at a boy at the bus today

My back hurts. it's a pain not too noticeble but still there. all the time. I feel that my forhead is getting too much wrinkles. my lips are too much pointing down to the floor and I'm getting really grumpy. and I don't know why. would very much like to just stay at home. have a nice blanket and my pillow you can heat up in the microwave behind me to give my back some nice warmth and rest while I'm eating chocolate and watching "How I met your mother". but day's not over yet and it's quite cold outside and I don't like the thought of going outside.

I find a snickers-bar in my bag though!:) well, time to head over to church to prepare for JOF and to get some food. don't really know what I wanted to say with this post. you'll just have to stick with it. I'm not to smiley today.. ;)

backwards

it goes all wrong when you want to make it right.

ready for a new week?

listen to the duhks- mighty storm. try to get it in to my head. singing lesson tomorrow. also try to get facebook work. not to happy about it. but who needs facebook truly?

today I've kind of crashed. I wished someone could catch me. or just leave me. feelt really frustrated about not be able to be alone. still I miss you. wish I had a magic wish. but really I don't know what to do with it. though I wish it still was saturday afternoon. that I still had some time off. that I would have cleaned my room. now all I ask for is a good night's sleep. after that it might feel a little bit better. sweet dreams. I pray.

after a hard working week

I'm well worth some good food, tea, sweets, potato chips, dip, soda, chocolate and a good movie with good company.

the only thing missing is you.

a letter

today I'm home with my little brother who's not feeling very well. I'll be the big "super" sister who will take care of him in any situation. everything from a blanket to a beagle to a donut to a magazine to a cup of ice cream to a storytelling to a joke to a hug. feels like superman flying in to rescue.

hope I'll get some work done too.. we'll see how that goes. first I'm going to write a letter. make a present. find an envelope. lick on a stamp. put my feet in my shoes and walk down to the mail box. kiss it goodbye and wish it a happy journey. a surprise. a letter. a thought. love

time to trust

okay, today I will practise to rely on God. practise to obey. practise to rest in His promise. practise to love without doubt. practise to overcome past. practise to become more like Him.

I pray for an open heart. I pray for a loving mind. I pray that I will be wise. that I will have God surrounding my thoughts and my acting. to take a good deep breath. clean air. streangth. glory. to praise God in any situation because I know he knows what's best.

on my way

today feels a little bit better.
I've both of my feet on the ríght side of the fence.
I'm resting in God's presence.

dreamin'

Is it alloud to just go back to your bed and pull a blanket over your head. to feel the warmth that stays. to put on your pyjamas again and close your eyes because it feels good. to go back to that wonderful dream of yours. to reach the end of the bed with your toes and then quickly pull them close to your legs again because of the cold outside the blanket. to find a comfortable position and just breifly go away. go back to that wonderful dream of yours.

friday, it's called that right?

ok. week's almost done. looking forward to a weekend with nothing on schedule. besides that I'm invited home to Julia with Johanna and Kajsa for a girls-night. it will be so nice just to hang out with them for a whole night and just talk and laughe and feel stuffed with sweets, food, soda and all the other stuff you might have eaten during a girls-night. it was long time now since I meet my girls so I'm really looking forward to it. :)

today, hopefully I'll be done with my math report. don't like it and it feels like an everlasting job. but it will feel soo good when it's done. then I just have to catch up with everything else.. well, we'll deal with that later. I've started to read a book of Adrian Plass. love him as an author! so I also have some good reading to do. feels like I'm in a good need of a real friday.
friday as in week-end

like in a tornado

feels like everything just goes spinning and spinning. would like to have a button that don't says play. but I don't know where to buy one. now, time to be intellegent. to be organized. to be diciplined. to do your homework. I don't want to. are you alloud to not want to? or is that just a sign of laziness? would like to have a day just to be home watch a good movie. feels like every free time you feel guilty. guilty for doing something you should do on your free time and not studying. need to get this done. don't want to. can't we just forget all about it? well, I know it feels good when it's done BUT. well, time to just do it and hopefully everything will stop spinning...

monday lovely monday

tonight it's going to be an early night tonight. watching swedish Idol while sitting at the computer blogin instead of doing homework. not too good but really don't feel inspired and I've forgot to transfer my report from the schools computer to FC so I don't have access to it now. bad excuse perhaps, but I don't know.

really, sometimes you really have bad excuses. I try to tell the truth and stand up for it. but sometimes you really have bad ones. but it also hard, in some situations, to keep your promises. in my case I often belive that I have the time and energy to do a lot more than I actually can. like I have my own timeschedule, that I can stop and play when ever I would need it. I need to learn to plan my life better. to see what's realistic and not. trying, but it's very hard.

now to a totally different thing. I read an article about gender equality today and it really pissed me off. yeah, I meant pissed me off :P it really did. through the whole article it was said that everything had to be fare. and I want it to, but this was extreme. like there was one part wich was about the importance of having time to your self and have own activities outside your husbands and family's. and that's nothing wrong about that, but it was pointed out that if so, it was very very important that you would get the exact time to do that as your husband and he wouldn't get a second more. or that you should share your chores, but it has to be fare. and exact the same time as your husband. it was not(!!)aloud to have more or less chores than the other person. well, I was really angry and thought the whole article and the authors of the book wich was written about the subject (the article was based on the book) just was ridiculous. I mean there is a certain point when things just get childish, like when you can't pick up your kids from daycare 5 times and your husband 3 because it's not equal. and when you have to do everything same way and the same amounth that your husband because if not it's called that women don't have the same rights as men. just ridiculous. if the community has become that way I would gladly be the housewife, homestaying, superwoman that do nothing but wipe kids noses and bake wholewheat bread. and ofc not let my man inside my kitchen for any cause! to be a radical woman outside her time. because I do believe that men and women are different. oops.. are you alloud to say that?

Livin' in God's plan

oh, this weekend, starting thursday, has been soo good. I really needed that. and especially yesterday up at the skijumping hills. so good just to eat "childhood-chocolate", risen and bulle meanwhile looking out over town. we established that our landscape has a lot of woods. and that hospitals has a big chimney, or so we thought. we also shared life. joy, love and hard times. relationships, friendships and parenthood. future and past. how we want to handle the important situation when our daughter/son comes home with hers/his first girl/boyfriend... oboy's a lot of slashes there... (ofc I mean /'s ; )haha). how you want things to be planned. how you want to end up. your values, your thoughts and your flaws. made codes. driven my future car. and just been quiet enjoying our company. and not to mention seen a ski-jumper jumping dedly high and catasrophicly fast and straight, with his face pointing right to the ground, without any snow! haha, yes sweden don't have snow all the time.. douhhh... that was very fascinated.
now time to go to bed. I have a long week before me.
but I'm proud. I've become more self-confident. I've become more caring. Simply I've become more like God. just by being in his presence. that's good to know, especially when it's monday tomorrow...
love

girlylishious

home after a nice sleepover at Sandra's place. tired but it's ok. now I've been very good and cleaned the livingroom and soon I'm goinging to do the hall and kitchen. I'm very proud of myself. :) tonight it's youthgathering at Rodheims. looking forward to it. to have a coup of tea, look at the big and very nice cookie-buffé and just listening to everyone talking about everything. it's always a good atmosphere at R's. good just to come home to someone a friday night and just be surrounded by people who care's about you. And of course Lovisa is going to be there. even more great. like you very much sweet girl :)

well, I'm having an interesting and sporadic conversation with my dad while writing. He's sitting behind me clearing lingonberries from leaves and needles, saying that it's good to clear your head while clearing lingonberries. hmm.. I don't know about that but it might be true. what do you do to clear out you head?
everybody's different.. thought about that, or truth is that it was my friends thought but, it's very hard with relationships of any kind just bacause people are so different. and while figuring out who your selfe are, you also need to figure out someone else. it's a tricky thing to do that. well, time to start my buissy day again. lot to do before sunset. wish me luck.
love,

in our weakness

God give us streanght, because we won't overcome without you.

taking one step closer

today has been tough and I'm all out of any energy. feel like everything annoys me. I'm totally drained out. but I know I've been in service today. I've been worshiping and singing all day. working for God. and when you do that you also get recistance. I've worked hard to give out and I know that he will give me new joy and new energy. this day has been exhausting but really, really amazing. to worship together with other people. to praise God because he is. it's a feeling hard to describe.
but I know that today I've experienced God once again. and I have recived so much of his presence, his glory, his magnifying greatness. when you pray, when you praise, when you put time aside and reach your arms out to get a grip of what God has for you you come closer to him. not closer to perfection but to satisfaction in your life. to feel that your life is worth to live. to feel that you are alive not only breathing but actually live for something bigger. to have a purpouse. and when you know you have a goal and you see that you've accomplished and overcome one more part of the way. then you can feel that you really have come one step closer to God. and that is worht so, so much. now it's time to go to sleep. knowing that god is closer to me then when I woke up. knowing that tomorrow he will be even closer, because he has promised that when I reach out for him he will reach out for me.

just being alone

needed time by myself,
with God.
listen to music.
thinking.
singing.
studying.
just being.
breathing.
talking.
praising.

I'm lucky to live my life as I do. I'm thankful for my family and my friends. all the loving people around me. I'm excited about finding out more of what God has planned for my life. I'm so grateful for the deep relation with Him that I've shared this past days. it says that tough days makes you stronger. I believe so because you'll have to rely on God. to give up and admit that you need him in your life. that you are a "needy" and nothing can change that. to go around your pride. to be humble and kneel. to ask are you for real and believe in the answer. to be brave. to have faith. to take one step further. to commit. to see all the things God will give you. a glimpse of His glory. that's the greatest gift.

huh?

If you just don't get it, what will you do? ^^

phew..

day's over. just got home from 2½ hours of dancing. nice! :) well, now it will feel great to take a good shower and then go straight to bed. sweet sweet bed. sleep is wonderful sometimes. no wonder it's called beauty-sleep!

the day you are suppouse to breath on..

wednesday. middle of the week. the day when you stop and realize that half of the week has already passed. the day of the week when you are suppouse to take a break and just be still for a second. need of reflection. need of analyzation. need of a pause. to stop and not rush through the day, the week your life. to just catch up with God. see that he carries you. and then clear your focus. take one step forward. and then it's thursday.

I'm in a very need of a wednesday for the moment. just to have a spare minute to feel. to pray. get energy so you will cope the rest of the week. one day at the time. sometimes it's heavier to just manage a day. but you know that it's life. that it's just to keep on going because in the end it will all be worth it. to take a deep breath and smile. because everything gets easier with a smile. to look up and just catch a glimpse of His glory. because everything gets easier with god. to be in his presence, makes it worth it.

people

maybe some person's not
how you imagine them to be.

making things better

To work on your self is a hard and painful. to rewind and think about how you act and then analyze it. to press play and try to do it all over again. to make a plan and be prepare that it may change in a minute. to not plan it all. to make progress. to not run away and to listen to your heart. to what god gives you. to learn and to make things better this time. to live and to learn. to live and to love. to know that He will love me no matter what and to trust that fact. to jump off a cliff and to think outside the box. to leave the fear at the door and to fly. you got wings you know. just got to dust them off a little bit.
please god help me with that.

hysterical childish joy and totally exhaustion

well, that's the kind of feeling you get after working with about 50 kids from 9 am till 1 pm. jumping around and play seals on the floor. dancing like princesses and been boiling spagetties. now I've been home just trying to have two feet on the floor and yet not fall asleep. this week has been more challenging than I thought. but what more to it when you have a whole afternoon and evening just to relax or as I should do study till our math exam tuesday. horror. ^^ hopefully I'll get some really logic thoughts and reasonings from the guy above.
speaking of him we had a great evening at church yesterday. was a little bit late and went home early but, the time I was there was great. realized how much I've missed church and the youth-gatherings this summer. feels great to be on again. well we talked about relationships, about love and commitment and about feelings and differences. about being true to yourself and to the person you care about. and also about being "the object" of someone having a crush on you. haha. well, I thought it was a great evening and I'm looking forward to the next. great to see God working among us teenages too. but it's a little bit weird to be one of the oldest. I mean 'aint I 13? oh, I'm not anymore? sometimes I wonder...

yesterday I also read a tex in the Bible about John. it talked about beeing recognized as a person who loves Jesus. I want to be recognized as such. and also that they couldn't keep quiet about what they've seen and heard. what if you could be so filled with God that you just couldn't shut up. annoying, some people would say, but still I would desperatly want that in my life. I think it's very very scary to actually say that to God, "I want you to be the biggest part in my life and more than you are today" because I know and I've learnt that if you invite God to your life he will answer with a big YES. well, that's a good thing I would say, just a little bit scary that it will happen in reality. life's not a made up story as I think sometimes.
well, I want to let God be a bigger part of my life and actually try to lay my life in his hands. to trust that he knows what's best for me and not try to do everything my way. And I know that by doing that I will learn that He is loyal to me and will catch me when I think I'm going to fall. Because, God is.

just as a proof :)

thursday lovely thursday

today I had the greatest morning with my grandma. we had some coffee and brownies and just talked about life. listened to her stories and advices. really preciated it. she is a remarkable woman and one of my greatest rolemodels. To talk about what God wants for your life and how to live His plan. To talk about difficulties in relationships to other people. To talk about having God centered in your life. To love each other. To love God, and what may come with it. To sort out what life is all about, a small part, a small piece.

my mind don't really connect to the rest of my body

well, today I'm very tired. but happy though. or something between. yesterday was an acomplishment on it's own. but I manage to go through it without worsen my cold. today it's stable but I've got JOF and that means shouting and jumping and dancing and shouting some more so I don't know where it's gonna end. but really, if I take the time (to breath)and think I realize how greatful I am. how greatful I am to God because he has given me the most amazing life. even mondays (and tuesdays). I talked with J on the phone this sunday, after all that happened this weekend I couldn't avoid feeling a great feeling of happiness and gratitude. and I can live on that for a very long time. well, I'm thankful and that's good to remember when you don't really feel like it. keep it simple, keep it positive! oh boy. kind of a cliché but true though.
well, I think this post got a little bigger point than I first thought. not too good at thinking today. but apparently I got something understandable out of my head. Now I got marketing for 2h. see how that goes. then tonight I'm going home to Anna. looking forward to that. just some tea and some nice talking. :) just hope I find her adress... ;)
well.. time to go.
over

How great is our God

he is awsome!
just want to say that this weekend was great. no more to it. now I need some sleep. ^^

inspiration

looked at Patricia's flickr (www.flickr.com/photos/41270488@N07). I want to start take photos again. drag my big camera around just to get those nice just-on-a-second-shots of everyday life as beautiful it is. inspired. inspired to remeber a friday. any friday. just a usual friday.

lazy lazy thursday

today's been very calm. very quiet. very relaxing. very luxury. just been home and done nothing really. well, I tried to do some homework (math) but I couldn't get my head around anything. so I decided to wait till I can ask my teacher how to do it. wise. ;) so it's just been me and my brother at home and we have actually done nothing. quite good.

in and hour or so I'm packing my work-out-bag and go over to the Harris family. babysitting. can't wait, we're going to have a blast. or so I hope ;) later dance class. doing some serious exercise. really fun. this term we mix jazz-show dance with contemporary dance. just hope I'll be able to do all the turnings and twisting and so on. but I guess practise is the answer. well, now I'm heading over to the piano. got some inspiration yesterday (about 1 am ) for a new song. have'nt written any in ages. hope my piano-playing not will be totally forgotten.

over.

dance

really in my heart. nothing more to say you just feel amazingly good after 2 1/2 hour of dancing! :)awsome!

now, some "kvällsmat" and then a good and needed shower. later go to bed. :)
tomorrow will be great. I have homestudy and that's the same as sleep-in morning. just nice and quiet. a cup of tea and a good book. Yammies and just solitude. my only company's Vilma. I love those mornings. just me and God. to take a brake a pause. to breathe.

and to end this post. psalm 63:3-4
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

wednesday

was on a movie premiere with dad yesterday. the film was called "Prinsessa" (in English Princess). really good and you should go and see it on theatre this fall. worth the money because it was a good (surprisingly good) Swedish (!) movie.

well, after a kind of hard morning. was very very tired. wonder if it ever will get easier to get out of bed. well, I made it through this day. so far. :) actually feel quite happy. got a lot to look forward to and actually my life is kind of good for the moment. not too bad not too good, but still you have a joy in your heart that comes from the small things God gives you to make it easier to hang in there. like yesterday. really glad to spend some time with my dad. just the two of us. and I realized that I'm proud of him and proud to be his daughter. maybe I should tell him that. and then I started to think that it's now when you start to actually grow up that you realize that your parents aren't just mom and dad but actual persons. well, it might sound like I didn't know that at all, but I mean really realize and get to know them both as parents and as friends. and that they often has very good values and great personalities and that their advices and their friendship is something you don't want to loose. I guess that was the wisdom of today's post. quite a lot though. you're not used to the fact that you can have your parents as friends... ;) well, I look forward to get to know my mom and dad better and listen to their stories about their life. they have one too, I've realized. haha.

I've got the favor of God

"everywhere I set my foot, God is working for my good."

continue

well... I've made it from FF to M. got some food in my stomach and I've even printed the posters for JOF. improvements. now I only have to glide down S-road and then I'm there. work. maybe need some chocolate. or a good coffee at wayne's. not sure I have the money to spend on luxury. my cravings might do it though. ;)
oboy, this is not very intellegent posting. but, I don't feel too intellegent at the moment. not too many wise thoughts. not too many, but still some. don't worry.

When it all got started

new week, new day, new focus. well, I'm not sure I've succeded yet though I havn't really started to put check-marks on my to-do-list. otherwise the day probably will be fine. be ok. I just feel a little bit out of balance. like my body decided to stay on yesterday. but isn't that typical for mondays? meet a friend whom I havn't seen for months now in chuch yesterday. it was great to see her again but my english was really bad. even though I've been writing almost everyday in english my speaking seem to be forgotten. not too good. have to meet her for a "fika" and refresh it. because it starting to be embarrassing. well, now it's almost time for some economy-work. our presentation has been moved from this friday till thursday in two weeks, because of my partner's vacation. it's ok but I rather do the presentation as quick as possible to really get on schedule with school. I intend to improve my organisation and hand-in-homework-in-time skills. wish me luck 'cause I've realized it's not gonna be too easy. as I of course first thought. ^^ hope to make progress though. :)

time to go.. hope that I'll get some but-kicking-energy for the afternoon. (work) so I won't be this lazy. ;) over.

sunday, what more to it?

today's been a great day. a day full of joy and just love. service at church was great. it really felt like people was gathering because of a reson. a reson to get closer to each other but more important, closer to God. and I believe the feeling is real. It was good to be filled with God again and just to Worship him together in church. no I feel like I'm ready to face an other week. later we had family dinner with lot of talking, laughing, sharing and just annoying each other in a loving way. what more can I say than family? :)
now I've been out on the roads with mom. we've been driving all the way to my grandma's house and back again and that's quite a way to drive. I'm proud of my self :) well, I think that's all the update. I'm just glad that this week has been alright and that I actually look forward to next week. that's a good sign. a very good sign.

my thoughts goes swedish!

just a little mark: I just discovered that you can use google to translate websites. well, I had to try it! so I translated my blog.. haha.. nothing more to say. ;)

ps. if you want or think it's takes too much time to read in english you can use the tool.. but remember the translation is a little bit weird sometimes..

mornings

now, I'm almost ready to go to work and time's 8.30 am. feels like almost before dawn but I know it's not even early for some people. I decided to have a cup of tea and just write a little bit, just to get some thoughts out of my head. this morning, it was quite easy to get out of bed. it's usually not. but I guess you have your "easy-getting-out-of-bed" moments sometimes. well, as usually when I get up early, I hit by the beauty and the calm atmosphere that you only can find before people has woken up. it's just you and the small birds clearing their voices and it's often a little humidity in the air like the coldness don't really want to leave. and if you meet any person out on the street, propably walking their dog, you greet each other with a little understanding smile. you know that they also appreciate this time of the day as special as it's suppouse to be.

too far away

just a little "hello" to you my dear girl.
a little "hello" from my heart just to say that I'm glad to have you as my friend. I miss you ♥

life.trust.love.How?

..where ever you are. to feel safe no matter what goes around you. to have comfort and trust even if you don't know what to expect. to depend. to let go. to believe that God have control and that you don't have to do anything but rely on him. to love, and to give. take care of and protect. to manage every thing you don't. to comfort and to be the refuge you need. that's His job. all I have to do is to relax, have some faith. to depend. to let go. to believe and to have him as my refuge. but that's hard enough.

above all else

"Jesus, my passion in life is to know you. May all other goals bow down to, this journey of loving you more. Jesus, You've showered your goodness on me. Given your gift so freely. But, there's onething I'm loning for. Hear my hearts cry, and my prayer for this life.

Above all else, Above all else, Above all else. Give me yourself.

Savior, the more that I see Your beauty. The more that I glimpse Your glory.My heart is captured by You. Jesus, You are my greatest treasure. Nothing this world can offer, Could ever compare to You.So, hear my heart’s cry, And my prayer for this life. "
- Vicky Beeching

this will be my quote for this fall. I really want to know God better and discover his plan for my life. for real. I know it will be hard but it's true, the more that I glimpse His glory, I want to be captured and be taken on his adventure, his plan, what he has thought should be the meaning for my life. And I know that in my prayers there's power.

timetraveling

today, I've worked at the dancestudio with all the little kiddos again. very fun but also a little bit exhausting. four hours, four classes and it all starts at 9.00 am. well, not a killer time but still it was a little bit hard to get out of bed this morning knowing that every saturday from now on will be the same. but after all I love them all. plus I might got one more hour at monday's. more work, more money and more fun! hopefully ;)

know after a couple hours of resting I'm preparing for my aunt's birthday party and a hughe one. at six a clock everyone turns into counts and countesses, noblemen and women and poor farmers with their riff-raffs. the time's changing from 2009 into 1507and things and computers goes (today's update for the spelling contest ;) bye bye. it's the middle age and no one goes safe for the terrifying pest.

tired

I really need a rest. my mind's too full and I feel like I've had it for several days now. but I know it's just a feeling.

okay, today it's really time to start livin'. but it's sunny outside though and that makes it a little bit better. well, I don't feel too wise for the moment so I don't really know what to share with you guys today but the weather. soon it's time for lesson and then hopefully some good time shopping with J. :) he's off soon so we'll have to do some shopping before that ;) well, as I said. not too intellegent today. better off tomorrow!

woh...

off to school... weird sentence... ;)

hmm...

it was something I was going to write, something I've thought of for couple of days now and really wanted to post. and now I've lost it. haha. well my brain isn't really going fast enough. well, school's starting tomorrow and hopefully I'll get back my "smartness". and till then you've just got to cope with this non interesting post and live with it and love me for my goofy old self. so my confusion is a regular thing but I've got a calender now to put my weeks and scedual a little bit easier to handle.. hope I don't loose it though. it has happened....

happy birthday!

sometimes the small things are the best. this was more perfect than I thought.

re-energizing

today, work has been a loong day of nothing good. my head aches and I'm frustrated and tired. nothing useful has been done today, sadly. well, a couple of yatzy-games but that didn't do too much though. now I need a big time cosy and take care of evening starting with some ice-cream, tea and a good movie. put on my soft jersypants and just lay down on my bed and get some nice qualitytime by myself. house's quiet and empty and I need that to re-load my batteries. it's as good as it can be after a hardwork day.

spaa..

isn't it just soo refreshing!? xD
loved it just because.

well, sometimes life can need just a touch of a peeling. just a touch of moisturizeing. just a touch of refreshment. we're preparing for a loong winter. next time we need some snacks though. and of course less of the banana hair due!;)though we all loved it in some way...

lovely

this monday was all I wanted it to be. just wanted you to know that.
with love

is there a map somewhere!?

sometimes I wonder how I can live my life. in what directions I can go and what consequenses I would like my life to have. I wonder what achievements I can make and what it will cost to make them. I think about what role I play in other peoples lives and what role I can be making. I think about the possibilites I have and at the same time I wonder what I can or should do. How and what should I do with my life? and is it really my life? but then if it's not my life, but God's how do I do to give Him my life? what do I do to act like he wants and needs me to? and how, how, how do I have to do to figure it out? how I can make his desires for my life come true and more important what does he wants with my life? it's hard because sometimes I just know for certain and sometimes I just can't make the thoughs and questions in my head clear and still. they just spin around like crazy and I don't know how to sort them out. it's a little bit confusing to live with the thought that my life's not my own and that I want somebody else to be in charge of it. I mean it's a lot of trouble when you're suppouse to make decisions in your life and it's not you who have the last saying. and I must admit that it scares me, not just a bit but a lot.and yet it's my highest wish that God will have such place in my heart and life that I just can't make any thing without He being part of it. you get what I mean? I'm not ever sure I do but I guess that's the beauty of the life with God. you never now what direction it will take or how you will do to get there. you've have to be curious and be part of an adventure and be prepared that it's not easy but worth it.

...

where do you get your streangth?

the synonym of

restoration
resuscitation
reinvigoration
revival
resurrection

woha, that's a lot of synonyms. well, do you get what feeling I'm going for? well, today my new contact lenses arrived to my mailbox. and I feel like I was restorated or resuscitated or reinvigorated or what ever you would like it to be. I was now alloud to leave my glasses, my feeling of tiredness and my uncomfortableness on the desk aside of my bed. only if it was that easy. do you sometimes feel like you would like to just take of your insecureness and put it aside when ever you needed it? just like a pair of glasses you didn't like to wear? this morning I was happy to put on my new pair of sunglasses and just hide behind that cool-factor and feel like a celebrity on my way to work. wind in my hair, my high-waist jeans and just that feeling of self-confidence a good-looking day gives you. I'd put one pair of glasses on my night-stand and one other pair on. and suddenly the whole way I'm looking on myself changed. really, I'm not happy to admit that. and I think of myself as a happy and confident girl "in my best days" and it takes a simple pair of glasses to change the way I'm feeling about myself. and to be recognized my glasses is actually quite fashionable. well it's weird. but this past days while I was waiting for my contacts to arrive I hade several minutes to work on myself and my cool-factor. and I know I needed it. call it revival, resurrection or what ever you would like. but everyday I know I have to work a little bit more just to love myself as the way I should. just to feel comfortable the way I am a little bit more. and I know I own God that because he has created me too beautiful to not do so. I'm beautiful the way I am and that's because God intended me to be just that way.

well, ain't I a real cruiser?

I've just realized that I actually can be in a car and make it go forward, backwards and sidewards. and I can actually, manage the car to go those directions without hiting anything or crash into something. and actually today I driven through the whole town!! I'm real proud. just wanted you all to know that this is the most and bigges acomplishment I've made for the moment! :)

well, this day I've been off from work and spendt some time with Kajsa. who are such a sweet person and whom I like very much. thank you for spending time with me :)
also I've experienced that god loves me even if I act in a way he don't like me to do. Samuel Ljungblahd's written a song with lyrics: "How can you keep on loving me when I'm acting like this?" and I believe that's really true. or at least I feel so and it's a question that has been on my mind for several days now. How can he keep on loving me? I'm not acting as I'm suppouse to, I'm not thinking as I'm suppouse to and I'm not loving as I'm suppouse to. and sometimes it feels like I don't deserve any of His love. and that my friends is the beauty of it. really. it might sound crazy but I believe that's what it's all about.unconditional love. and that means that God will keep on loving me no matter how I act. and that's a promise.

aaah

the clever moment have passed. work has become a place where time seems to be almost like it doesn't exists. it just wont travel in any direction. I feel exhausted yet I haven't done anything to exhaust myself. but still my brain feels like it's slept for almost 1098 years. interesting.

now's time to actually be alive and do something active. good. :)
I hope I have better luck this evening.

me, myself and I

I think you every day learn something about life. something new or something you've already learnt but think of in a new way. it sounds very smart, philosophic and maybe like cliché but really I do believe it's true. yesterday when I was suppouse to go to sleep I thought instead. something not too rare to do at night in your bed staring at the wall like you don't have anything more intelligent to do. but still you can't do anything about all those thoughts that's jumping around your brain like sheeps you really should count. people often says that their best thinking is at night and probably I would agree. so when I should get my self some sleep I was thinking instead and there was nothing I could do about it. when that attends to happend I use to have a God-conversation or as you could say a chit-chat with Him above. And it striked me that you really have to give up yourself to complete your life and your relationship with God. You have to give up your control and your ability to handle everything on your own. You have to give up your pride and your selfishness and realize that you can't do nothing in your own power. That fact, I believe, is one of the most hardest truths I've ever tried to learn. and worst of all, it really is true. If I try to manage my life completely on my own it's doomed to fail. I need to put myself beyond my own control to receive control. does that make sense? well, probably not but if I want to give my life to God and truly follow him I need to give up myself and put him in the front seat. Trusting him with my life because I believe that is the best I can do with it. And in reward I got to live a life close to Jesus the only one that truly can fulfill my life and my desires. Who always watch over me and loves me more than I ever, with my tiny and not so intelligent brain, could understand. It's just that it's so hard to give up me and to actually put my life in someone else's hands. But I'm willing to give it a try, over and over again.